10 December 2012

Vicki's X Factor blog

All the latest X Factor news for people that don't have time to, you know, watch the show...

Vicki's X Factor blog

Addicted to the X Factor, or just need to catch up? Then look no further, for we bring you Whatever writer Vicki's essential guide to the hottest show on the telebox (second only to Homes Under the Hammer; their use of literal lyrics to demonstrate a mundane point is just incredible). Vote for who you think will win in our online poll, then read on for a catch up on all things X Factor, including Nicole's naughty earrings and District 3's passionate eyebrows.

WEEK TEN: 8th/9th December



This week, Jahmene and James Arthur went head to head (or should that be head to shoulder given Jahmene's height?) in the X Factor final. Okay, realistically no one REALLY cared who was going to win - we were more interested in watching the pyrotechnics, the potential live screw ups on a big stage, and seeing One Direction (scream) sing about kissing (double scream).

BUT after ten epic weeks of live shows, Rylan-gate, Nicole's odd fist pumps, #UnionJacketWatch, Tulisa's boobs, Gary's potentially lazy eye, MK1 (still our faves), the dream had to come to an end as someone was crowned X Factor winner 2012.

And who was it we hear absolutely no one cry because you've all already found out about it via Twitter? It was that one who looks awkward when he doesn't have a guitar and sort of reminds us of the doughboy: JAMES ARTHUR! Woooo!

James with a crown that has been photoshopped on in a haphazard way

What a year it's been for the X Factor. But before we go we'll just leave you with this...

GARY ON JAMES: "You came here a true artist. People thought you'd lose your dignity on this show, but you haven't at all..."

James' first single? A cover of a song by Shontelle.

Farewell, X Factor. Until next year.


Noooooooo :'(

Union J

With just one week to go, everyone's favourite One Direction substitutes - UNION J - have been voted out of the competition. Here is why we will miss them:

1. They are all borderline attractive
2. They make us question if it is okay to say they are all borderline attractive
3. We wanted to see what jacket area they would move into next (our money was on 'bomber' or 'tracksuit')
4. They were quite good at singing actually
5. They have the look of people that smell of Johnsons baby oil
6. We had ALMOST worked out why they existed in a world that really, really doesn't need another boy band
7. And, arguably the greatest loss of all: We will never find out if George's face will melt under the bright lights of the final show

Farewell Union J. We salute you.

WEEK EIGHT: 24/25th November

This week, Rylan was voted out of the competition.

Wait. What?

Rylan, just before he left the X Factor

Yes, it pains us to say it, but it's true. Rylan has left.

The ONE breath of fresh air, with all his Lycra, private-part-grabbing-osity, Gary-bashing (oo-err) and hair gel, has skipped out of our lives and headed straight towards a destiny of reality TV and co-presenting ITV2 shows with Mark Wright.

Just how will we content ourselves now? With Jahmene? Don't think so.

A picture of Jahmene, with the caption 'Blahmene'. Clever.

Christopher Maloney? Hahahahahahaha.Good one.


James Arthur? Good, sure, but he occasionally has moments which make us worry, e.g. when he doesn't have his guitar and is trying to be sexy, when he has his guitar and is trying to be sexy, etc etc.

James looking sexy. We think.

Thank GOODNESS then for Union J. If it's not their matching jackets providing us with solid entertainment (pleather jackets this week, if you must know), it's the fact we've realised we can play 'Who Do They Vaguely Resemble?' with precisely half of the band.

First up, we've got Georgie from T4... oops, we mean Josh.

Ella looking confused and sad, but mostly confused

Then we have George, aka the ventriloquist's dummy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (other acceptable answers include: a ghost, a thunderbird, a little girl and Edward Scissorhands)

Union J's George, and a dummy. But which is which? Exactly.

See? We will miss you Rylan. We will miss you a lot. But all is not lost as long as UJ are still in the competition and we have a bit more time to work out who the other two remind us of.

WEEK SEVEN: 17/18th November

This was the week that will go down in X Factor history as being the week that the most people made empty vows that they will never watch the show again. Which is not the greatest thing to go down in history for, but there's nothing like an angry mob to grab a few headlines.

'WHY?' you cry. Well, you see, this was the week that golden-girl Ella Henderson left the show.

Ella looking confused and sad, but mostly confused

On one hand, sure, she was a great singer. But on the other? Get over it.

Sure, we'll miss Ella's voice and we'll be sad that we didn't get to see whether or not her pretty hair would reach Jedward heights.

ella with Jedward hair

But she didn't tell Gary Barlow he was fat, did she?

No, it was the wondrous Rylan who went there this week. Gary tried to be funny about Rylan's past in a Take That tribute band. But when asked which band member he was, Rylan was funnier.


Rylan then proceeded to pretend to runaway from Gary on one of the travelators that he used in his performance.


And that image, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why we're not too gutted that Ella has left the show. Bring on next week.


WEEK SIX: 10/11th November

This week saw the Battle of the Boybands commence as both Union J and District 3 went hair-gel to hair-gel in the sing-off. But whose side were you on?

The loveable, jacket-wearing rogues with the Harry-Styles-meets-Edward-Scissor-Hands lead singer, Union J?

Union J

Or the great-at-singing-but-ultimately-less-hot boyband, District 3?

crowd x factorMK1 WERE VOTED OUT.

Mk1, looking sad

And it gets worse.

They lost out to Kye.


Kye, with his chimney sweep hat! His awkward stance when he sings! His cheesy looks to camera! He is the Matt Cardle of this generation, even more so than Matt Cardle is the Matt Cardle of this generation, and no one wants another one of those. We are going to miss you, MK1 :'(

Luckily there were a couple of other highlights that might distract us from this terribleness for a moment:

*Louis saying 'LMFO'. Hearing Louis try to get down with the kids is like watching that documentary about the woman who keeps a monkey like a baby in her house. Wrong, not natural, but, boy, does it mean TV GOLD.

*Nicole's earrings looking like lady bits (sorry, but it's totally true).

Nicole's rude earrings

*Union J moving into the denim jacket arena, after the huge success of their coats last week.

*District 3's eyebrows taking a backseat this week, and their passionate hands taking centre stage. They were so passionate, we couldn't even get a decent screengrab of them because they were flailing everywhere. THAT'S PASSION FOR YOU.

*Nicole adding to her crazy phrases by saying 'Scher-mazing', which is clever because... err... well, it doesn't need to be clever for us to

WEEK TWO: 13/14th October 2012

This weekend's live show was incredible for most, but not for poor Nicola-Roberts-a-like Melanie Masson who was voted off the show when it went to deadlock between her and District 3 (a total non-contest thanks to the passion in D3's eyebrows during the sing-off).

Here's what else you need to know:

*Louis Walsh. Louis was on form during this live show. Most people will say this is because MK1 gave him an 'urban-over'(see pic below), but what you really need to know is how he accidentally turned into a Pun Machine. Following MK1’s rendition of ‘Want You Back’ he said “We need people to vote for you, I really want you back next week”. Then after Melanie Masson's performance, which ended on a huge top note, he said, “Wow, talk about ending on a high note”. Both of these were said without the batting of an eyelid. Uncle Louis, we salute you.

*Union J were better than District 3. Mainly because Union J had far better coats and as we all know, better coats = better band. (We still love you District 3)

Coat Factor

*As you can see, Melanie Mason made the effort and dressed like a 60 year old woman getting married.

Wedding suit

*Rylan dubbed Gary Barlow, ‘Gary BORElow’ and then opening with a Take That song, before claiming he was joking and launching into some weird mash up of 'Gangnam Style' and 'Groove Is In The Heart' with dancing designer pandas.

*Kye is still going on about being a chimney sweeper, which is confusing because we thought that they didn’t exist anymore. This weekend though, he went one step further and gave us the proof we all needed. He wore a chimney sweeper's hat:

Chimney Sweeper hat

*Nicole Scherzinger said, of Rylan, “You were doing two things up there. Liv – ing!" Which was a bit awkward because, clearly, that is only one thing split into two syllables.

*Nicole Scherzinger also gave a speech about flowers that no one understood.


WEEK ONE: 6th/7th October

Ahh, the week that the lady who looks a little bit like Cheryl Cole mixed with Mitzeee from Hollyoaks left.

Mitzeee, Carolynne and Chez: don't they look similar?

Sadly, Carolynne Poole is but a distant memory to the show now, but here are some highlights that will be very hard to forget:

*Gary storming off stage. You probably already know about this thanks to the news, the magazines, your friends and, well, the X Factor adverts themselves. Was it staged? Did Louis get told to change his decision by a producer? And most importantly, did Gary get home for his roast dinner he had to leave early for?

*Lucy Spraggan singing her own song. Errr. What?

*MK1 being amazing in a can’t-really-sing-that-well-but-totally-own-the-stage-and-the-competition sort of way. LOVE. THEM.

*GMD3 getting a new name (which is good because then we can all forget they were apparently an already fairly successful band before). The name? District 3. Which is all a bit Hunger Games if you ask us, but we're not complaining.


Related links:

Real Life Story: I Could Have Been on the X Factor
Official X Factor website
Follow @WhateverAfter on Twitter
Follow @VickiLutas on Twitter

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